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What Bloggers Say, What Bloggers Mean – Blogspeak Simpified

 

Are you sitting and wondering – what the hell is wrong with my content?

Are you sick of submitting your guest posts all over the web? Do you spend endless hours waiting to hear back from them – the BIG BLOGGERS?

Have you actually aged a few years waiting for traffic to come your way?

You are tired, frustrated, clueless.

Here is what might be going on.. take an inside look into the minds of big bloggers …

(Big Blogger, if you are reading this – ha! as if that’s ever gonna happen – don’t get offended, this is not about you!)

WBS – What Bloggers Say

WBM – What Bloggers Mean

I don’t want to insert the above abbreviations before every line – its downright annoying. The first line is WBS, the one immediately below, in bold, is WBM … WBS – WBM, WBS – WBM. Got it?

Helpful Advice on Producing Killer Content

Your content is great – you need it to be more scannable and screen friendly.
Nobody reads anything on the net – Hullo! Learn to write like you have a house on fire and don’t forget to put in white space – bucket loads of!

Yes, yes your blog is fine. I am sure many people will subscribe in time.
I haven’t actually looked at it.

Killer content
Yes all the time waiting for a comment to appear – on your content – is a killer.

Its all about what you write.
Its all about who you know.

On Self Expertise

I am a internet marketer, social media expert, SEO guru, Link moghul
I am a geek. I have no life.

I am a writer, I have many articles published in the local paper.
I like to think I am a writer – and by local paper I mean the one that came out of my local university – college – actually school.

I don’t have unlimited time – I have a life outside of the virtual world.
I spend 5 minutes bickering with my wife to do the school run, pick up laundry, do grocery and get out of any social engagements that don’t involve anybody who doesn’t GET blogging.

I love my kids.
I am trouble remembering what my kids look like.

I am monetizing my blog.
The quality of my posts is going down.

I am a highly successful blogger.
I am excellent at a$$ kissing.

On Guest Posting

Thanks for contacting with us with your query; we will get back to you as soon as possible.
We will get back to you sometime in the near future.

Thanks for contacting us with your guest post query, we will get back to as soon as possible.
We have no intention of ever getting back to you.

Thank you for writing in to us. Unfortunately we only choose guest posts from our pool of writers.
Your post sucks.

Let me know if want to talk about advertising, buying from me, hiring me?
I am clearing my schedule right now.

Follow @in_my_good_books
This person is part of my inner circle. Be prepared for all the promotion I will be doing from on.

Very Helpful Advice on Increasing Traffic

I have 49, 539 subscribers.
Some don’t check their email at all, some have moved on, some are claiming to have 50k subscribers of their own, few have since dropped off this earth – I have some subscribers.

Learn how I skyrocketed my subscriber count in the last 8 months.
Pay me and I will tell you what you probably already know by now. And did I say 8 months – err – that is true if you don’t count my four initial blog failures and 2 years that I spent sucking up before I started counting.

I have done it by producing killer content, you can too.
When I started, very few people were blogging. Now they are more people blogging than the ones who are actually reading. Two words – Dream on!

We will tell you everything we know about becoming a problogger.
You have to pay us first, how did you think we became one?

You are a very talented marketer. You will go places.
I am feeling threatened.

You are a very talented writer. You will go places.
You have no hope in hell of ever making it.

There you go … now you know.

Final Disclaimer: This post was written to tickle your funny bone – provided you have one. No bloggers  -new or old – have been harmed during the making of this post.

If you have enjoyed reading this, share it on your networks. (I have been wanting to say this for the longest time. Notice the shiny new buttons down the bottom? Use them!).

Its payback time!

image: TrevinC

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21 Comments

  1. Mehmudah Says :
    Posted on August 2, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Haha great post Marya! Loved reading it… Although one thing as you rightly mentioned is extremely important: marketing and who you know.

    • marya
      Posted on August 3, 2011 at 12:04 am

      Thanks Mehmudah.. I think sometimes the only the way to tell the truth is to be funny about it … know what I mean?

  2. Chris Kahler @ Bloggeritus Says :
    Posted on August 3, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    LOL this is hilarious. I wish I were a “big blogger” reading this because I’d definitely spread it around the net.

    This is honestly a great way to smack some of em in the face a time or two. I agree with what you say here… not many of the bloggers out there are doing it with the best intention.

    I notice a lot them once they experience success completely disappear altogether and let guest posters (from their pool of writers :D) be the only ones to update.

    I quit reading those blogs cause it’s never anything I need to know… ya know?

    This is an excellent post.. and I’m loving the minimal theme here. Makes your writing really stand out.

    Amazing job Marya!
    Chris

    • marya
      Posted on August 4, 2011 at 1:36 am

      I wish you were a big blogger too, I could use some help spreading this around as well, some in the sense of BIG TIME – actually I wish “I” were a big blogger too – humongous!

      Thanks very much for the kind words. I much appreciate your appreciation (totally stealing somebody else’s line).

      • Stephen Guise Says :
        Posted on August 4, 2011 at 1:41 am

        I believe that is my line you stole, Marya. I just said that recently to someone. Maybe I stole it from someone else though?

        Either way, nobody can own words.

        Chris is going to be a big blogger. You’ll see. 🙂

        • marya
          Posted on August 4, 2011 at 1:47 am

          That was my clever idea to get you to comment – again. It worked! heheh

          Let the stealing go on … actually this reminds me, a friend of mine, a fine printmaker, a hardcore artist once said there are no new ideas, she always tells her students its ok to borrow ideas from others.. so to borrowing ideas – as long as you make it your own.

          I am going to make a prediction. Two people who are going to become big bloggers as well ..Stephen Guise, and Marya. You know these guys?

  3. Stephen Guise Says :
    Posted on August 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    “Thank you for writing in to us. Unfortunately we only choose guest posts from our pool of writers.
    Your post sucks.”

    Ahahaha! I can relate. 🙂

    I love the concept and execution of this post. Many bloggers can relate to this. Personally, I want to be different by being transparent and honest.

    Not that I’d tell someone their post sucks, but I wouldn’t lie. I would try to give them constructive feedback. I don’t accept guest posts, but if I did…

    • marya
      Posted on August 4, 2011 at 1:37 am

      Thanks for dropping by. I wasn’t sure if you would. I would have then wasted no moment in adding you to my ‘big blogger’ list. heheh. Many thanks

  4. Judy Dunn Says :
    Posted on August 4, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Marya,

    A little late to the party here. This danged broken wrist is putting a bit of a crimp in things.

    Thanks for inviting me to read this. Nice piece of writing.

    I’m not sure who this post is directed at and I don’t really consider myself to be a “big blogger,” in the ranks of people like my friend Danny Brown, but here are my thoughts:

    My philosophy on blogging is in direct contradiction to much of what you include here in the WBM (What Bloggers Mean) category. Here are just a few places where I differ:

    “It’s all about who you know.”

    I knew no one when I started. Not a soul. I studied bloggers I admired. My readers nominated me for a Top 10 Blogs for Writers,” which I was lucky enough to win. I got on Danny Brown’s radar screen (not really sure how that happened.) But none of it was overnight. I am in my 4th year of blogging now.

    “I have 49,539 subscribers.”

    Nowhere near that number and it’s not even a measure for me. I’ve blogged about this before but I’d rather have 200 committed, loyal and engaged readers that thousands who never read my stuff and don’t give a shit about me.

    “We will tell you everything about becoming a problogger. You have to pay us first, how do you think we became one.”

    I believe that with practice, most people can become proficient at blogging. There is a learning curve, though, and, as in any learning, people who want to master the skills faster may want to buy a book or take a class. On my blog, I offer in-depth, how-to posts on how to become a better blogger. All free. But if someone wants to be walked through it one-on-one, to have their posts critiqued and to problem solve some of their biggest blogging issues, I have also provided coaching and, yes, I do charge for that. As a former teacher, I get that there is a market for teaching other people skills they would like to develop. I never took a course myself when I was starting out,but I am sure I would have benefited from doing that.

    “You are a very talented writer. You will go places. I am feeling threatened.”

    Again, there may be bloggers out there who feel threatened, but I have never forgotten the expression, “There is always room for exceptional people at the top.” In fact, I love the mentoring aspect of blogging and love to point people in the direction of talented, up-and-coming bloggers.

    So, just wanting to add another perspective here. This is a thought-provoking post and I hope it generates a lively discussion. And Thanks for reading (and RTing) some of my past posts, Marya. Much appreciated. : )

    • marya
      Posted on August 8, 2011 at 3:07 am

      Hi Judy. thanks very much for coming over and leaving your valuable thoughts. These are much appreciated. 🙂

      I am glad to hear that you have had such good experience with other bloggers, but in my experince, not everybody is like that. But most of all, this post was meant to poke fun at the big bloggers (bloggers who are A listers). Of course some things are clearly exaggerated as they were meant to be. It’s good to hear differing views – bring them on! 🙂

  5. Sheldon Hathaway
    Posted on August 6, 2011 at 5:25 am

    Oh my, you did tickle my funny bone there, Marya. I never guest blog ever although I was planning to the last few days. Thank you for letting us know what to really expect from this big time bloggers.

    • marya
      Posted on August 8, 2011 at 3:09 am

      Hey Sheldon, thanks for admitting to the world that you do have a funny bone. 🙂 Yes, many of the big bloggers fit the post perfectly, unfortunately you have to go through all of the guest posting thing to actually find out who they are. Good luck!

  6. Zeeshan Says :
    Posted on August 9, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Marvelous Marya. You have given the truths in a very light manner 🙂

    • marya
      Posted on August 10, 2011 at 1:55 am

      Thanks Zeeshan, telling the hard facts via humor is often the way to go. Cheers

  7. Gautam Doddamani Says :
    Posted on August 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    nice article pic. dats the thing which actually inspired me. 🙂

    • marya
      Posted on August 13, 2011 at 1:39 am

      Wish I could take the credit for that one. Regardless, I am glad it made you make yourself known. 🙂 Thanks for coming over.

  8. Aubrey Anne Says :
    Posted on August 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Thoroughly enjoyed this. Featured it here: http://waytoomuchaubrey.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-favorite-princess-and-how-she.html

    • marya
      Posted on August 26, 2011 at 12:24 am

      Thanks very much for the link. Much appreciated. 🙂

  9. ross Says :
    Posted on October 11, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    guest blogging is tough, i have so many posts sitting in limbo and i’m waiting for some type of response. Its the worst when you give a post to another blogger, then the original blogger finally gets back to you and posts it.

    • marya
      Posted on October 12, 2011 at 2:21 am

      That’s the way it works Ross. Happens to all of us, you are not alone. Best of luck!